It takes me a really long time to make decisions. No....longer. Longer than that, even. Whilst designing this new blog, for example, it took me about 20 minutes to pick out a font. And you know what? I still don't like it, and I think I will change it the minute I post this very first, non-assuming, not-well-planned-out-post. It took me another 15 minutes to decide just how wide to make the blog box in ratio to the "About Me" box, which I wanted to take out all together as it's just a blank "About Me" box and since an "About Me" box is just an abridged version of what's in this blog, it was redundant and unnecessary and therefore symbolically smaller than the blog box. What the hell does anyone need an "About Me" box for anyway?? Want to know about me? Read the blog ever-so-slightly-and-deliberately to the right of that box and find out stuff.....about me! And in case you were wondering, the "About Me" box is blank because life is hard and I'm not about to give any of you an easy way out because that's just poor training. I'm all about government hand-outs (or free money as long as it's my free money) but this particular blog is not that kind of subsidized.
So, about me......Well..... I like....candy? And....sea otters? See, we're getting to know each other so well, already. Eff you, "About Me" box. Go to your lonely place on the left side of the screen.
Anyway, this may or may not be my 8th first blog post ever. However long it takes me to make a decision about a blog, multiply that by zero, and that's historically how much additional time I've spent on past blogs. I'm taking a new approach this time: Don't hide the crazy AND (dun dun DUNNNNN) get a secret identity.... Now! Cue the ooh's and ahh's! (What? No! Not the groans! Damn it, I have really got to get my sound effects dude under control. What in the world do I pay you for, Shane?? ....Hm? This is a written blog? Readers won't even hear the sound effects??? Son of a bitch.....)
No, Kennedy is not my real name. Not even close. And Tender, Loving Carelessness is not somehow an acronym for the street I live on or my favorite ice cream shop. This pseudo-original pseudonym allows me freedom I've never had in a blog before. The anonymity sets me apart to tell it all and hold nothing back and just be seriously fucking awesome.
That being said, it's likely I will send this around my inner circle of friends, so that they will become the Dick Graysons to my Bruce Wayne, the Chloe Sullivans to my Clark Kent, the Alfreds to my Bruce Way--shit, I did that one already. They'll be privy to my deep, dark secrets and they'll know all my smoldering hopes and desires. They'll know the truth about everything. And chances are, they'll get really, really pissed because I'll write about all the silly shit they say and do to me and they'll be all like, "What the fuck, 'Kennedy', I totally said that to you in confidence" and "Seriously?? I showed you that thing on my back NOT so you could take a picture of it and post it on your blog, 'Kennedy'".
So I guess I'll apologize now for irking you later, and beg for your forgiveness in advance. But, really, I'm not sorry because you'll be featured on my blog, and you'll be famous beyond your wildest dreams.
In closing, I'm not sure if I'll actually keep up with my yet again newly started blog. This may be the very first and last time you ever hear from me. I hope that's not the case. I hope I come back tomorrow with the same unbridled enthusiasm and scrutiny I had for the blog box ratio fiasco. But if the past dictates the future...well, then, it was nice typing at you. Although....I was recently reminded by a particular someone that insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, ladies and gents, here's the biggest "About Me" you'll get from me today: Turns out, I'm kind of big on the whole insanity thang.
So, until next time! Nope, no. That's a horrible sign-off. Stay classy, San Diego! That sounds copyrighted. Be your loveliest self until your loveliest isn't good enough! Oh, holy crap, I'm terrible at this.
Ok....................Um......................................................G'bye.
(Cue the outro music! What?! Oh, damn it all!)
[PS--The inspiration for this blog is the incomparable and hysterical Jenny Lawson. Drop everything and read everything she has written ever. And listen to her audiobook while you're at it 'cause it's the motherfuckin' shit, yo. www.TheBloggess.com and Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) You. Are. Welcome.]
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